INT. - GARAGE - FLASHBACK (1977)
A little kid, KEVIN, 5 years old, digs through a bunch of old
dusty boxes. He finds an old fedora, which he grinningly puts
on, and continues to dig through the box. He pulls out a an
old magnifying glass, and peers through it. He picks up the
box and puts it to the side, then heads to the next box. This
box is newer. It's filled with relatively new looking
magazines and books. He scans through them, stopping in awe
at an issue of Hustler. He opens it, and his jaw drops. He
picks up the magnifying glass and takes a closer look. He
peers down at his pants, where he's shocked to find that
something odd is going on down there. His mom calls from the
other room.
MOTHER (O.C.)
Sweety! Lunch is almost ready!
KEVIN quickly restores the boxed goods to their original
locations, and runs to the kitchen.
INT. - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
KEVIN sits down at the counter on a stool he can barely
climb, eagerly awaiting his lunch. KEVIN's father takes a
seat next to him. He turns on the radio, listening to a
football game. His mother finishes cutting his roast beef
sandwich in half, and neatly places it in front of him, then
stops to pour a glass of milk. As she's pouring, KEVIN grabs
one of the halves and prepares to eat it, but stops himself.
He peers at the lunch-meat, folded over between the bread. It
reminds him of something he saw in the magazine. He turns the
sandwich vertically, giving an uncanny impression of the
dirty magazine. As before, he peers down at his crotch.
FATHER
Eat your sandwich, don't play with
it.
KEVIN
Sorry papa.
His mom turns and goes to wash the dishes. His father is
distracted by the radio. KEVIN makes sure they're not
watching, and hides the sandwich in his pocket.
INT. - BATHROOM - LATER
KEVIN stands in front of the mirror, and, making sure the
door is firmly locked, reaches into his pocket, grabbing the
sandwich.
He holds it in front of him as before, then slowly puts it
down his pants. His eyes widen, and he smiles giddily.
CUT TO BLACK.
OVER BLACK:
KEVIN (OLDER)(V.O.)
Ever since I was a little kid, I've
been having sex with food.
INT. - RESTAURANT - FLASHBACK (1987)
It's a normal mom-n'-pop restaurant. A waitress, probably in
her 40s, puts in somebody's order, which a large bald man
takes and begins to work the grill.
INT. - RESTAURANT KITCHEN - LATER
KEVIN, now 15 years old and working his first job, is washing
dishes in a large sink. He takes the dirty plates, scrapes
off the scraps, and washes them in steaming hot water.
On one dish, he notices that there's a cheeseburger with only
one bite out of it. KEVIN looks around, making sure nobody is
around. He turns off the faucet and stares intriguingly at
the burger. He bites his lower lip, and thinks deeply. He
then gives into temptation, grabbing the burger forcefully
and putting it down his pants. He smiles.
KEVIN
Yeah....yeah...
The door behind him opens; the bald man walks in on him.
BALD MAN
You sick little fuck! What did I
fucking tell you!
The bald man chases after KEVIN, who zips up his pants
quickly and runs out, throwing the burger on the floor as he
runs.
The burger has a hole down the middle of it.
INT. - HOUSE PARTY - FLASHBACK (1989)
A band, with long hair and plaid shirts, are banging around,
playing early grunge-era music.
KEVIN, now 17 years old, stands with a group of friends,
passing around a blunt and laughing, having a good time. A
GIRL with a very short skirt and blonde hair, streaked with
red, approaches.
GIRL
Hey Kev.
KEVIN
Heeeeyyyyyy.
KEVIN puts his arm around her.. The boy to KEVIN's right
passes the blunt. KEVIN takes a hit, then shotguns it to the
GIRL.
CUT TO:
INT. - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
It's a dimly lit room, and the GIRL quickly jumps on the bed
and begins to undress. KEVIN begins to take his pants off.
They begin to have sex.
KEVIN (V.O.)
It was always just a small thing. A
quirk. A tidbit. A footnote of my
fucking biography. Back then, it
was an occasional vice, popping up
every now and again, but never
really doing any harm.
KEVIN begins to have sex with the GIRL from behind, and
visualizes her ass-cheeks as two large cinnamon rolls. This
vision allows him to continue with even more sexual fury than
before.
CUT TO:
INT. - PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - PRESENT TIME
The much-older KEVIN, of the previous voice-overs, sits in a
large, comfortable chair. He's leaning forward slightly, and
making use of the large armrests as he talks. The
psychiatrist is opposite him. He's a younger man, at least,
young for his profession, with rounded glasses and a casual
dress-shirt. This is DR. BOWMAN. He's not taking notes, just
listening. KEVIN continues to narrate to him his story.
KEVIN
When I was 14, I had sex with a
banana peel.
That was my first fruit. Lemon
meringue was my first pie, and
pancakes were my first breakfast
food. I do pancakes a lot, but I
try to avoid most other breakfast
foods. Once I tried fucking a
southwestern omelette and ended up
with jalapeņo juice in my pee-hole.
See, this was only an occasional
thing back then. It's only recently
that it's been a real problem. I've
practically stopped eating food
altogether, 'cause every time I'm
around a decent meal I just get
horny. You know what I've been
living off of lately?
DR. BOWMAN
What?
KEVIN
Crackers. Goddamn crackers. Pretty
much the only goddamn food I don't
have a hard-on for. You gotta help
me, doc. I'm serious, this shit is
gonna kill me.
DR. BOWMAN nods, and thinks for a moment.
DR. BOWMAN
What happened after you lost your
virginity at the party?
KEVIN begins to tell the rest of his story.
INT. - DORM ROOM - FLASHBACK (1991)
KEVIN, now 19 and in college, is having a few beers with his
roommates, and they're all laughing and having a good time.
ROOMMATE #1
...so I'm sittin' there, thinkin',
fuck dude. Fuck. This is it, man.
That fuckin' feeling, that you know
you're fucked, it's horrible. Your
body like fuckin' sinks in, like
'ohhhhh fuck'. I look back and he's
coming. He hands me back my license
and he's like, "Sir, step out of
the car." That's when I knew I was
fucked, for real. But then, all he
does is hand me a ticket and tells
me to go.
Everyone is shocked and laughing.
ROOMMATE #2
What the fuck!
ROOMMATE #1
I know, man. He was just a cool
pig, not like those kind that just
want to fuck you over. I swear, if
it had been one of the local cops
around here, they would've busted
my ass.
KEVIN
Or at least searched the fucking
car.
ROOMMATE #1
I know, seriously. Man, when I
rolled down the window, smoke just
bellowed out. He must've gotten a
couple hits himself just from that.
KEVIN
You're fuckin' lucky dude.
There's a knock on the door.
ROOMMATE #1
Must be the fuckin' pizza...
He gets up and answers the door. It's the pizza delivery guy.
ROOMMATE #1 hands him a wad of cash and takes the pizza.
The guys open the box. A very nice looking cheese pizza sits
waiting for them.
ROOMMATE #2
Dude, I'm so hungry.
ROOMMATE #1 reaches for a beer. There are none left.
ROOMMATE #1
Fuck, we're out of beer.
KEVIN
Are you kidding me?
ROOMMATE #1
Nah, man.
ROOMMATE #2
We need some fucking beer.
ROOMMATE #1
Beer run, I guess.
ROOMMATE #2
I'll go with.
ROOMMATE #1
Kev, you fuckin' touch that pizza
and you're dead.
KEVIN
Do I look fuckin' obese to you?
They laugh as ROOMMATES #1 & #2 get up and exit. KEVIN is now
alone with the pizza.
He stares at the pizza, then turns away, trying to ignore it.
But he can't help it. It's almost as if the pizza has sex
appeal.
KEVIN is tempted, and tries to fight off the need to indulge.
But he can't.
He gives into temptation, grabbing a handful of slices.
We stay focused on the pizza box. After a few seconds, KEVIN
plops the now-mangled and soggy slices back into the box.
It's a mess.
KEVIN (V.O.)
That's when things started getting
messy.
CUT TO:
INT. - CAR - FLASHBACK (1995)
KEVIN, now older, graduated from college, drives down the
road, wearing a nice pair of sunglasses.
KEVIN (V.O.)
I started fucking food like crazy.
Everyday, something new, and fresh.
I glazed my own donuts, gave
biscuits and gravy a whole new
meaning. Literally tossed salads.
Had quickies with fast food.
KEVIN pulls into a Taco Bell.
INTERCOM
Can I help you?
KEVIN
I just want two tacos and a medium
Mountain Dew.
INTERCOM
Hard or soft tacos.
KEVIN hesitates.
KEVIN
Soft, please.
CUT TO:
EXT. - CAR - MOMENTS LATER
KEVIN drops a mangled, mushed-up, and soggy soft taco on the
ground as he drives away.
CUT TO:
INT. - CAR - CONTINUOUS
KEVIN is eating the other taco as he drives.
KEVIN (V.O.)
Sometimes I'd go to Sam's Club and
buy canteloupes at wholesale.
INT. - PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - PRESENT TIME
KEVIN continues to talk.
KEVIN
We got fast food on every corner,
goddamn grocery stores the size of
fuckin' warehouses. People in third
world countries starve while I
stick my dick in a french pastry.
Personally I don't know how I live
with myself.
INT. - MR. HARLAN'S OFFICE - FLASHBACK (1997)
MR. HARLAN is an older, business-executive type, neatly
dressed and sitting behind a decently large desk. KEVIN, now
25 years old and ready to start his career, knocks on the
door outside.
MR. HARLAN
Come on in.
KEVIN walks in; he's wearing a nice looking job-interview
type suit. He smiles.
KEVIN
Hi, I'm Kevin O'Donnell.
He shakes MR. HARLAN's hand.
MR. HARLAN
Mike Harlan. Have a seat, my boy.
KEVIN takes a seat. First thing he notices: on MR. HARLAN's
desk sits a plate of miniature muffins.
KEVIN
So, where to begin?
They both chuckle.
MR. HARLAN
Let's start with what you think you
can offer the company.
As KEVIN tells his qualifications, he keeps eyeballing the
muffins. MR. HARLAN takes notice, eventually.
KEVIN
Well, I'm hard working, well
educated, I graduated from college
Suma Cum Lade with a Master's in
Business Administration. I work
well in high-stress environments,
I'm good at making quick decisions
when necessary, I'm very good with
collaborations, yet I can maintain
independence and am capable of self
reliance.
As he finishes, he loses focus altogether and eyes the
muffins.
MR. HARLAN
Very nice, certainly you're
qualified, but I'm actually looking
for someone with a better attention
span.
He laughs.
KEVIN
Ohhh, sorry, I, uh, I missed out on
breakfast.
MR. HARLAN smiles.
MR. HARLAN
Would you like one?
KEVIN hesitates.
KEVIN
No, no, sir. I'm, uh, trying to
watch my figure.
EXT. - APARTMENT BUILDING - FLASHBACK (A YEAR AGO)
We see KEVIN's car parked outside a rather nice looking
apartment building.
INT. - APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
We focus on a TV, where the Jefferson's is just starting. The
song was just on the show. The channel changes quickly. It's
the Food Network.
KEVIN (V.O.)
I had it pretty good. Nice place,
big TV...
KEVIN sits on a nice-looking sofa. He leans back and smiles
when the Food Network is on. It's a cooking show. He licks
his lips, and begins to unzip his pants.
KEVIN
Yeah...yeah...take it off...
The cook on the TV is peeling an onion.
KEVIN
Show me the goods, sweetheart. Show
it to me...
The cook is basting a piece of meat.
KEVIN (V.O.)
I even found a nice woman to settle
down with.
The front door opens. A pretty, young looking woman comes in
with a bag of groceries. This is DANA.
DANA
Sweety! I'm home!
KEVIN quickly zips up his pants and changes the channel to
the news.
DANA
What 'cha doin'?
KEVIN
Watching Larry King continue to
live.
They kiss. DANA heads to the kitchen to put away groceries.
KEVIN follows.
KEVIN
So what'd you get me?
DANA
Help me put things away and you can
see for yourself.
KEVIN begins to unbag the groceries. He pulls out a pumpkin
pie.
KEVIN
Ohhh yes, pumpkin pie! I'll dig
into this later...
DANA
No, that's for Thanksgiving at your
folks' house.
KEVIN
My mother usually makes pie from
scratch.
DANA
Well this year we'll just have two!
They kiss again.
CUT TO:
INT. - PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - PRESENT TIME
KEVIN continues his story.
KEVIN
Things were going OK, you know? It
wasn't a big deal.
I had my little secret, and
everything else was fine. I loved
Dana more than anything, and she
loved me.
DR. BOWMAN
So what happened?
KEVIN
It was that Thanksgiving. That was
when I lost it. That was when I
lost everything.
INT. - LIVING ROOM - FLASHBACK (A YEAR AGO)
KEVIN's MOTHER opens the door to find KEVIN, in a nice
sweater, with DANA, dressed up nicely but not too formally.
KEVIN's FATHER and MOTHER greet KEVIN and DANA with open
arms, hugging and laughing and exchanging hellos. KEVIN's
brother, JACK, enters, smiling. They exchange greetings.
INT. - DINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
MOTHER is crouched down, thoroughly searching through the
lower level of the china-cabinet, while DANA sets the table.
INT. - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
KEVIN, JACK, and FATHER sit, watching the Thanksgiving
football game. They're both having a beer.
INT. - DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
MOTHER
Ohhh darn it, I can't seem to find
them.
DANA
Don't worry, mom, we can just put
the gravy in a plain old casserole
dish.
MOTHER
Well, I wanted to get the nice
gravy dish...oh shoot, there's so
much to do.
DANA
I'll help out. We just need to take
the rolls out of the oven, stuff
the turkey...
MOTHER
No, no, no, you need to be setting
the table. Go tell one of the men
to do it, they haven't done a thing
all day!
INT. - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DANA opens the door and sticks her head out.
DANA
Kevin, come here and help!
KEVIN
What do you need?
DANA
I need you to help out! Your poor
mother is slaving over a hot stove
for you!
KEVIN
Fine, fine, fine.
FATHER
You need me?
KEVIN
Nah, I got it, pop.
JACK
I can help.
KEVIN
No, it's alright. Just tell me what
I missed.
INT. - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
The kitchen is empty, since MOTHER and DANA are preparing the
dining room. Casserole dishes filled with Thanksgiving food
litter the counter, and a nice, freshly baked and seasoned
turkey sits neatly atop a silver tray. A bowl of home-made
stuffing sits on the side.
KEVIN
Alright, what can I do?
DANA
Just stuff the turkey, and that's
it.
KEVIN
That's it?
DANA
That's it. I'll be in the dining
room with your mother if you have a
problem.
KEVIN
I think I'll manage.
They kiss.
DANA
Smartass.
DANA exits. KEVIN is now alone with a luscious turkey. Seeing
himself stuff the turkey by hand creates an erotic sensation,
and he is now extremely horny. He is tempted, but resists,
deciding it would ruin everything if he gave in. But the lure
of the turkey is torturing him. He continues to stuff. He
bites his lower lip. Sweat pours down his face. He can't
resist any longer. He unzips his pants and begins to gently
fuck the turkey. After a few pelvic thrusts, he quickens the
pace, and soon he is furiously raping the turkey.
KEVIN
Yeah baby, yeah baby. Oh yeah!
The door opens, and there stands DANA and MOTHER, who stare
in horror.
MOTHER
Oh my god!
She drops her china plates.
DANA
Kevin!
The other door opens. It's his FATHER.
FATHER
What's all this ruckus OH MY GOD!
JACK comes up behind him.
JACK
Kevin what the fuck!
Everyone is now screaming and in shock and horror, while
KEVIN is in disbelief that his secret is now out.
INT. - APARTMENT - THE NEXT DAY
DANA is packing furiously. KEVIN follows her around.
KEVIN
Baby, come on, come on. It's just a
thing, it's just something I can't
help.
DANA says nothing.
KEVIN
Come on, baby, I'll get help. It'll
be okay.
She is now crying, and grabs her last bag, making a B-line
for the door.
KEVIN
Dana! DANA! Please!
KEVIN is now crying, too.
KEVIN
PLEASE!
The door slams as DANA leaves. KEVIN is now sobbing on the
ground.
INT. - PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - PRESENT TIME
KEVIN
She left, of course. I don't blame
her. What woman would want to stay
with a guy who found a dead,
roasted turkey's butthole more
appealing than her?
DR. BOWMAN nods.
KEVIN
I lost it. I began a food fucking
binge.
I fucked every goddamn piece of
food in the apartment, then I went
grocery shopping and fucked some
more. By the time I got done with
the pineapples, my dick was a
bloody mess. I stopped going to
work, cause all I wanted to do was
get drunk and fuck more food.
INT. - APARTMENT
The apartment, once nice looking and clean, is a messy wreck,
with food remnants everywhere, including crumbs and spills,
wrappers and peels. KEVIN lays on the couch with a chocolate
cake on his crotch, watching the food network. His eyes are
bloodshot.
KEVIN (V.O.)
I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I
didn't do anything. I just laid
there, jacking off to the Food
Network, and sticking my dick in
another edible item every hour or
so.
The phone rings.
KEVIN (V.O.)
That's when I got the call.
KEVIN answers the phone, listening for a minute or so, then
dropping it in shock.
INT. - HOSPITAL - DAY
KEVIN speed walks down the long, white halls, reaching a door
at the end that he opens. Inside the room, his FATHER sits on
the edge of his bed, hanging his head down. KEVIN's MOTHER is
sitting at his side, holding his hand. JACK sits in a chair
across from them. KEVIN enters slowly, not saying a word.
FATHER raises his head, and stares at KEVIN with a sad,
shameful stare. KEVIN backs away, shameful, and exits.
INT. - PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
KEVIN
They gave him six months. After I
got the news, things just got
worse.
CUT TO:
INT. - APARTMENT - FLASHBACK (PRESENT TIME)
A very unclean, unshaven, and seemingly cracked-out KEVIN
sits on his couch, masturbating with an unseen food item. On
the table next to him we see a box of Zebra Cakes.
CUT TO:
INT. - PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
DR. BOWMAN
Your father, he's still holding on?
KEVIN
Yeah, it's been almost a year. But
he really doesn't have much time
left.
DR. BOWMAN
I think I understand.
KEVIN
Yeah?
DR. BOWMAN
You want to reconcile with your
father. Before you lose him.
KEVIN
There's only one way I can
reconcile with him.
DR. BOWMAN
You need to get over your
problem...
KEVIN
In two months, it's going to be his
last Thanksgiving. I want to be
there, I want to be with him. You
gotta help me.
CUT TO BLACK.
OVER BLACK: TITLE CARD: 'FOOD FUCKER'
INT. - PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE
DR. BOWMAN
I can help you. But everything I
can do to help is useless if you
don't put forth the effort.
KEVIN
My dad is fucking dying, what other
fucking motivation do I need?
DR. BOWMAN
Okay, okay. I'm just making sure
you're serious about getting help,
because this is a very unusual
problem, and it could be very
difficult to beat.
KEVIN
I'm ready for whatever you got.
DR. BOWMAN
Before we get too deep into things,
I would suggest that you join a
support group.
KEVIN
A support group?
DR. BOWMAN
I think that just by talking to me,
you've gotten some things out of
your system. It would good for you
to get everything out before we
start re-programming your sex
drive. A support group can help you
do that.
KEVIN
Is there a food-fuckers anonymous?
DR. BOWMAN
There's a group that meets twice a
week that deals with sexual issues.
Now your case isn't exactly abuse
or anything, but I think you'll
find that you can at least somewhat
relate to those who are addicted to
sex.
